Rethinking Behaviour

Managing Big Emotions Without Time-Outs

We’ve all been there.

The screaming.

The kicking.

The full-blown meltdown in the middle of the room.

And in those moments, it’s tempting to go straight into control mode:

🚨 “Calm down, or you’ll have to sit out.”🚨 “If you don’t stop, you’re going on time-out.”🚨 “Go and think about what you’ve done.”

But here’s the thing...

Time-Outs Don’t Teach Regulation—They Teach Rejection

When a child is already overwhelmed, isolating them only makes it worse.

Let’s flip it for a second. Imagine you’ve had a terrible day. You’re emotional, your stress is high, and someone tells you:

❌ “Go and sit in that chair alone until you’ve calmed down.”

Would you feel more in control?

Or would you feel angry, ashamed, and misunderstood?

That’s exactly what we do to children when we send them to time-out.

Sure, the behaviour might stop in the moment—but not because they’ve learned to regulate. It stops because they’re focused on getting back to safety.

💡 Obedience isn't the goal. Regulation is.

What’s Actually Going On in a Child’s Brain?

When a child is in the middle of a meltdown, they’re not being manipulative or naughty—they’re in survival mode.

🧠 Their nervous system is dysregulated

🧠 Their brain has activated the fight-flight-freeze response

🧠 They aren’t thinking—they’re reacting

And here’s the important part:

You can’t teach logic to a child who’s in survival mode.

They don’t need to be sent away.

They don’t need to be punished.

They need you.

So, What Do We Do Instead?

1️⃣ Be the Calm in Their Storm

✔ Lower your voice instead of raising it

✔ Keep your body language open and non-threatening

✔ Give them space if they need it—but don’t withdraw connection

💬 “I’m here. You’re safe. I’ll help you through this.”

They might not respond instantly, but they will feel your calm. And that’s what helps them come back to theirs.

2️⃣ Support, Don’t Shame

Let’s stop saying:

❌ “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.”❌ “Go to time-out until you can behave.”

And start saying:

✅ “I see this is really hard for you.”✅ “Let’s sit together until you feel calmer.”

Children don’t choose meltdowns.But we can choose how we respond to them.

3️⃣ Create a Calm Space—Not a Time-Out Chair

Let’s move away from punishment and towards regulation and support.

Instead of sending children away when they’re struggling, offer them a quiet, calm space where they can begin to feel safe again—with you nearby.

✔ Soft cushions or blankets

✔ Sensory tools like fidget items or weighted teddies

✔ Dim lighting or calming visuals

✔ A space they can choose to go to—not a place they’re sent

💡 A calm corner should feel like comfort, not consequence.

4️⃣ Teach Regulation in the Calm Moments

The best time to teach emotional skills is when a child is already calm. That’s when their brain is ready to learn.

Try:

✔ Practising breathing exercises together (“Smell the flower, blow out the candle”)

✔ Movement breaks—stretching, jumping, or swinging

✔ Sensory play—water, sand, playdough

✔ Storytime or puppets to explore feelings safely

✨ If we only respond to big emotions in the heat of the moment, we miss the chance to teach children how to handle them next time.

What’s the Real Goal Here?

Let’s stop aiming for quiet and call it success.

We don’t want children to shut down their emotions to avoid getting in trouble.

We want them to understand what they’re feeling—and know what to do about it.

💡 Obedience says: “I’ll do what you say so I don’t get told off.”

💡 Regulation says: “I know how I feel and what helps me calm down.”

Which one are we really trying to build?